Tuesday, May 20, 2008

hyper vigilance vs. subtle awareness

over the past couple of weeks, i haven't really been paying attention to the weight loss program - haven't been logging my food religiously, haven't been overzealous about getting out for an evening walk; nor have i been going overboard with junk food or lethargy. i've just kind of... been... fortunately i'm getting by on just 'being' without any weight loss/gain ramifications.

i decided that i need to get back on the weight loss bandwagon. full force. no messin' around this time... and so the plans began to formulate, my new routine started taking shape in my mind. i started preparing for a spartan week of eating and a rigorous exercise schedule. i was pumped up for the morning. rarin' to go again. and yesterday was good. i logged my food, got two great walks in, got to sleep early... success!... or is it?

this is my way with 'dieting'... i am a hyper vigilant dieter. i have to pump myself up to a near maniacal level of excitement. i commit myself to going full blown gung ho. there are no rose tinted glasses for me - no, for me there is diet "blood lust" and mania. i will do this! i can do this! BOOYAH!!

to date, this furious excitement hasn't worked. it's short lived. i put all my eggs in one basket then fling the basket at the nearest wall... i can't help it! somewhere down the road, this is how i learned to operate and it is built in at a very deep level. so today, i'm letting go of the ferocious attitude and aggressive approach. this is not to say that i don't cherish the food plan and exercise routine that i've planned for myself, i'm just going to let this week just... be. i've said it before and i'm sure i'll say it a gazillion times again, but where i feel best, where i feel calm and right is in an aware state. during my walk yesterday i took such delight in the act of walking, in noticing the plants, animals, people, weather, homes, sunlight. the temperature had cooled, the day was giving way to the evening, it's long, golden tendrils creeping through even longer shadows. i noticed lightly scented blossoms punctuating beautifully landscaped yards with playful color. flora and fauna exchanged gentle vows of love as the breeze tickled leaves, petals, stalks. my body felt harmonious with itself, strong, ready to step step step to health, to strength. it was an absolutely beautiful walk. the goodness of the walk stayed with me all evening and i have a sneaking suspicion that the lasting peacefulness had everything to do with awareness. i felt alive in noticing the smallest spider web. i felt buoyant walking past the pretty homes, drinking in the last kisses of a setting sun's rays. i was aware of so much on that walk.

i want more of that peaceful feeling. i want to translate my awareness on that walk to my awareness about food. i don't want to do battle with dieting anymore. i don't want to view food as an enemy i need to ready myself against. i want to be free of the fight inside of me. i want to be aware.

in the same way that a vampire will not come into your home unless you invite it, i imagine awareness operates in like kind. so here's my invitation to awareness. come on in! you're welcome here.


Ready to Shrink said...

hyper vigilance is also my way. I don't know what it is but when I am ON I am ON! And once I decide I am done...WOW am I done!

dannibelle said...

Good for you, miss belly! After all, the world is here, now and moving faster the older we get, right? No matter your size, you don't want to miss it.
Love you!

Heather said...

nothing wrong with pumping yourself up as long as you arent that hard on yourself when you slipup. if its anything I have realized, its that we are way too hard on ourselves and we go into things so enthusiastic but are so mean to ourselves the first time we slipup. its normal and will happen and you just have to keep on going.

belly said...

see the thing that you seem to have going for you, ready2shrink, is that you are definitely on, girlfriend... and according to your blog, you've been on for quite a long time... i yearn to have that kind of 'on' for myself.

D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wut up, dizzo?

thanks, heather, for the encouragement. i, too, agree that there's nothing wrong with getting pumped up... my certain flavor of pumptitude happens to burn way hotter and dies way faster than i suspect is good for keeping up the pace, you know? i wish i could just turn the volume down at the front end of the gearing up so that i can sustain the high longer.

BikiniMe said...

Bravo on such a beautifully written post. I just love how expressively you've described your walk and your feeings of awareness.

It is easy to get that blood-lust going for a short-lived plan, something that has a beginning and an end, but I think that level of excitement and attention to detail can't last long. It burns brightly and then, burns us out -- for me, sometimes the flame is gone in just days.

For some of us -- well, for me at least -- there is no tweaking this hellbent-for-leather plan until it works. It has been tweeked a million times. It has never worked. It is just time to try a different plan altogether.

But not really a different plan so much as a different perspective. I mean, I still have to eat less and move more. But my perspective and my attitudes and my awareness are changing and have become so drastically different than ever before that sometimes I do feel like a different person.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with the idea that awareness makes all the difference. Gentle awareness doesn't just make the struggle easier, it erases the struggle altogether.

Damn, belly, one day I'm traveling to meet you and we are going to have the conversation to end all conversations!! Over coffee or wine -- you choose. :)

belly said...

bikinime, thank you so much for your lovely comment! i believe it was you who first likened nice comments to hugs, and your words definitely felt like a big ol' hug:) the plan: start with coffee in the afternoon, move to cocktails in the evening and end up with the coffee in the wee hours of an utterly awesome talkathon!!

iCANdothis said...

"i put all my eggs in one basket then fling the basket at the nearest wall"

put so well :)

take care!

Alli said...

"i don't want to do battle with dieting anymore. i don't want to view food as an enemy i need to ready myself against. i want to be free of the fight inside of me. i want to be aware."

Wow you took those words out of my mouth. I am tired of thinking about food all the time dieting or not dieting I just want to coexist with it peacefully... is that even possible?

K. said...

I hear you, thriving for that peaceful feeling...i feel it at times, can't say it's a permanent thing tho...maybe one day, when I reach goal. I walk around looking at these skinny women devouring ice creams and other fattening foods without a care in the word cause it doesn't affect their weight, and I think Gosh, how can this be fair?

justoofat said...

Been a long time.
Hope you're alright.


BikiniMe said...

Okay, I think this experiment in "subtle blogging" has gone far enough. I need something a bit more hyper and vigilant -- something a bit more visible, maybe even a bit more LITERAL, shall we say?


Not that I'm panicking or anything, but ... wait, no .. I AM PANICKING. (car wreck? body in ditch? did she take candy from strangers?? DEAR GOD WHERE IS SHE??)

Um, so, yeah -- just a word or two would be nice. :) Doesn't even have to be words --you can just hit a few random keys on your keyboard if you like. No pressure.

Except I am pressuring you.

Because I just can't lose you.

Lasserday said...

ok, i am jumping on Bikinime's pressure caravan! even though SHE disappeared for a bit, she is back. now it is your turn!

justoofat said...

Yeah. What they said.
*points up*


(come back)

K. said...

Hey Belly,
where r u? come back soon, missing your posts,

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