crossroad

last night i had a strange dream. it felt foreign, as if it didn't belong to me. like someone else was dreaming inside my head. in the dream, i felt unsettled and unhappy about my surroundings...

my guy and i found ourselves in a new apartment, but much to our dismay, it was in complete disrepair. the old tenant was still moving the last of his furniture out while we were there. he noted a particularly large hole in the hardwood floor, damage he took responsibility for. when the old tenant finally vacated, i walked around the new place, horrified that the landlord hadn't cleaned, repainted, repaired in anticipation of our arrival. while surveying the cleaning and repair that needed to be done, i was momentarily able to see beyond the dirt and admire the amount of living space in the apartment, as well as the unique layout. however, my ability to see beyond the immediate needs of the apartment soon dissipated into my horror and discomfort at the current state of the place. so much was my discontent that we ended up in another apartment. this one, although clean and freshly painted, was much smaller and felt equally unsuitable for living. the layout was uninspired, the colors clashed and there was carpet (i HATE carpet - it's like a giant, permanent dirt trap.)

it's rare that i ponder my dreams upon waking. even the dreams that leave me unsettled or scared or feeling wonderful - i might give a moments thought to them, but the memory of them soon disappears into the grind of the day. though there is one type of dream that will give me pause... dreaming of my home, a house, an apartment, any space where i take up residence - these are the dreams that float around my thoughts well into the day...

a few months after i really started getting in to therapy, i had a conversation with my guy in which i intimated to him the details of a particularly powerful dream i had the nite before: i was throwing my mom out of my house (at the time i was doing A LOT of work in therapy around breaking negative patterns learned from my mom). the dream was rife with emotion, emotion that stayed with me well into the day. after patiently listening to my dream recap, my guy gently proposed that the "house" in my dream was actually a metaphor for me, my Self. hmmm. it made sense. i was consumed with identifying and changing negative legacies inherited from my mother and my days were filled with emotion from healing my mother issues. so it would make sense that the subconscious of my dreams would capture the intensity of my daytime consciousness. the dream in which i threw my mom out of my house meant that i was healing. it meant that i was throwing her out of my head, my heart, my Self. i was reclaiming me for Me.

this is why i remember the dreams where my home is a main character. dreams of home are like my internal compass. reflecting on those dreams provides an accurate sense of what's really going on with me. so, after an entire afternoon contemplating the weird dream i had last night, i feel good about the direction my internal compass is pointing. here is the message my True Self gave to me last nite:

You are at a crossroads. You are at the place you have been many times before on Your journey towards a peaceful, loving relationship with Your Body. a familiar part of You, the part of You that has done much damage by abusing food, is moving out, allowing a new part of You to move in. yes, this mentality is foreign, yes it is unsettling, yes there is much work to be done to restore the relationship between Your Body and Mind, but We will do it together. You have the strength to walk this new path. You know what the other path looks and feels like and it has brought You here, to this crossroad. Your Body is sacred. It welcomed the last tenant and bravely endured that part of You. It is scarred and heavy and damaged, but not beyond repair. Your Body is Yours. It is ready to receive love and care and attention.

i've really been struggling with weight watchers this past week. i've found i'm at the place i've been many times before... i managed to eek my weight down a few pounds but, like so many times before, my good intentions and work fall to the wayside and i go back to shitty eating behaviors. the other day i offered up a prayer that i get through the next couple of 'crazy' weeks without blowing my ww plan. i think my dream last night answered my prayer.

and to my Self i say I am ready to give.