you're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, step into the light

i wish i had a green thumb. i would so love to be able to grow things. truth is, i’m terrible with plants. take, for example, the philodendron in my office. this hearty species is a sad testament to my inability to care for plant life. it hangs limply from its bookshelf perch, the edges of its leaves brown and curling in. it looks something akin to sick e.t. – pathetic, weak, straining to stretch a withered little tendril at me, pleading for… well, i’m not sure what it’s pleading for… water? sunlight? plant food? a phone call to home? and therein lies the problem… i don’t know what it needs. i read that they basically thrive on water once a week and do well under fluorescent lights… and yet the poor plant's sickly pallor tells me that my office is a torture chamber and i'm an axe-wielding executioner. if only that little plant could speak to me...

this morning i awoke easily and was delighted to find that the menstrual fog invading my head for the past two days has dissipated. welcoming this renewed, peaceful feeling, i tended to my morning routine in a great mood. as i was buzzing about the kitchen, my attention was momentarily diverted to the window sill where i’ve been conducting a little science experiment.

for christmas, i received a lovely gift: a delicate little flower kit containing three flower bulbs and three very small vases. this seemed like my kind of gardening – put bulb in vase. add water. how easy! how wonderful! hopeful that i might actually be able to grow something, i merrily set about prepping my little garden. within moments of putting the kit together, though, i was reduced to base frustration – i manhandled two of the [square] bulbs into the [round] mouths of the mini-vases, but was starting to cuss up a storm trying to get the third one in. see, i didn’t really read the instructions… instead, i just glanced at the directions on the box, saw three short lines of copy and figured i knew exactly what to do… turns out i didn’t. if i had read the three short lines of instruction, i would have understood that the bulbs should have been gently placed on the mouth of the vase. i was jamming these little bulbs INTO the tiny vases instead of placing the bulbs ON TOP of the opening of the vase. after a few more curses, i tried to right my wrong by removing the stubborn bulbs from their miniature glass prisons. this, of course, did not work and i was quickly nearing the point of having a shattered little flower kit, because, in my unending patience, i would inevitably take the path of least resistance and just smash those little fuckers against the ground. defeated and re-affirmed in my failed green thumbery, i filled the three vases with water, gingerly placed them on my window sill, and said a little prayer to the higher flower power that they might make it, despite their less-than-desirable welcome into my home.

i’ve been checking in with those lovely little bulbs for the past couple of weeks, urging them along, dutifully maintaining the water level. and today i was rewarded with the most brilliant gift: a sprout. a SPROUT!! a lovely light green, small and delicate, little shoot has burst forth into this world. i thought i was having a great morning, but the sight of this darling new shoot sent me higher. godspeed, little bud. you survived a very rough beginning. i had the best intentions for you, yet i didn’t pay attention to the instructions, shoving you, pulling you, treating you without respect. and yet here you are despite my mistreatment, in all your beautiful glory, defiantly announcing yourself: bear witness, world! and i say, "welcome."

today i feel clear, sane, and strong - ready to recommit to the weight watchers plan with renewed conviction and intention. i am grateful to the delicate little bud that has courageously chosen to make itself visible, to show itself to this world, to me. little plant, thank you for helping me to see that i, too, can blossom, that i, too, can have the courage to be visible, and possess the strength and will power to achieve weight loss success.