Tuesday, April 8, 2008

are you losing weight?

is it just me or is this one of those questions that sends shockwaves of fear through others, as well?

one of my coworkers approached me recently and said, "are you losing weight?" the rational part of my mind knows that her tone was innocent enough, that she was likely proffering a compliment, but here's what the irrational, and in-control part of me (at the time) saw and heard:


i was minding my own business, happily humming a peppy little tune, waiting for the copier to churn out all 5 trillion color copies of my latest project, when one of my coworkers approached, stopped mid-stride, turned to me. she scanned me up and down like a cylon assessing whether to blast my human ass away or identify me as similar to her: a non-threatening run of the mill cog. noting her pause in my peripheral vision and sensing possible danger, i abruptly stopped humming and slowly reached for my trusty side arm, a terrifyingly swift stapler.

suddenly the skies darkened, the roof violently flew off the fourth floor of the office building. thick red clouds started churning overhead. i looked over at my coworker who was morphing into a fearsomely, huge demon with an evil, knowing smile slowly spreading over menacing, yellowed teeth.


she pointed a long, gnarled, accusatory talon at me. "ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?" she boomed.
i could feel myself shrinking, wilting in the face of this horrifying accusation. i could do nothing but tremble before the creature, mouth agape in sheer horror.

"ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?!"
the beast screeched again, louder than the din of the surrounding hellfire.


"i... i... i... "i quietly stuttered.

the loathsome beast just glared down at me with piercing, red eyes.


"well i guess i've lost a
little weight... ab-b-b-bout eight pounds or so..." no response. i was snared in her all consuming judgment-filled gaze. "i've b-b-b-been doing weight watchers for a few months," i stammered on, trying to fill the silent void. "i mean i know it's been a few months, and if i were really following the program the right way, i would probably be down a little more... but it's been good so far... i mean i have so much more to go... but you know, it works for a lazy-ass like me..."

my self deprecating spiral was suddenly halted by Joe Poke, another coworker. instantly the roof returned to the building and my coworker magically resumed her original shape.

"um, excuse me - are you almost done with the copy machine?" Pokey, Office Shlub interrupted.


"uh... yeah - almost done here." i said, still reeling from the terrifying exchange moments ago.

Pokey wandered off, leaving me with my shape-shifting coworker. without skipping a beat, she said, "well, whatever you're doing, you look good. i can totally see it in your face." then she walked away.


what the hay? what was that? was i just complimented or slighted? and by who? did i just totally insult myself for like five minutes??


i'm pretty sure (rational me here) that my coworker was only passing on a nice compliment. i don't think that she was saying wow. your face used to be so fat before that we had an office pool going as to whether you were smuggling puppies or lawn furniture in your neck folds... btw, deck chairs won.

i realize that i also need to subscribe to the less is more camp... not only with portion control, but with diarrhea of the mouth. a simple "i have" would have been a perfectly acceptable response to 'are you losing weight.' i need to remember that i don't have to defend myself for my diet. i don't have to disparage my successes or my body. nor do i have to go into extended detail about how i got a few pounds down. (besides, who really wants to hear that tedious crap, anyway?) finally, i need not forget about my trusty stapler, which, in a pinch could really help me 'zip it'... or, er... staple it?? (the mouth... not the stomach... you know, just to be clear.)

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I loveloveLOVE BSG!!!!!! Oh god, I'm not kidding when I say that I was overwhelmed with emotion at the season opener last Friday -- cried through the entire opening scene -- and for over a year, I have looked forward to that episode with an anticipation that is akin to foreplay. I can't wait for next Friday!

Um...if you don't know what I'm talking about with all this BSG stuff .. um, I'll crawl back into my cave and hug my knees to my chest ... rocking, rocking, rocking ... waiting for next Friday and the next episode of THE GREATEST TV SHOW EVER.

but, you know, you did use the word "cylon" properly in a sentence, so I assumed...

!!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm over my overwhelming excitement at finding another BSG fan -- yeah, yeah, say what you must to your "popular" and "cool" friends, but we both know you saw Anders get scanned by the raider -- and now I want to post a more meaningful comment on your entry. :)

Thank god Pokey interrupted, eh? haha! I hate it when I get caught in that horrible, self-conscious babbling loop and end up deprecating my wieght-loss achievement! Gah! I feel like I've betrayed myself and all my victories! Now, I practice saying this sentence, so I will never be caught off guard again: "Yes, thank you for noticing." Short, sweet, polite and true-to-myself. Period the end. *grin*

Grief, I've missed you! I'm so glad you're back! :)

belly said...

it warms the cockles of my heart to know that someone else is as freaky over, as you so eloquently put it, THE GREATEST TV SHOW EVER!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEE!!

i mean, really, how cruel was it that they left the third season with THAT kind of a finale? AND THEN LEFT US IN THE LURCHES FOR A YEAR?!?

so uncool.

do you have a guess as to the last of the 12? me: that fabulous girl prez, roisin.

Amy said...

It's so hard not to deprecate when someone asks if you've lost weight. It's some strange need to prove to others that we know we're not good enough but we're trying real hard. We might be better off if we were all cylons, who needs emotional depth?

Heather said...

LOL I am so thrilled to find someone who feels the way I do about those "innocent" weight comments. most people would feel flattered that their weight loss is noticed, but for me, I just get uncomfortable. but, at least others are noticing your efforts.

Anonymous said...

Number 12 -- who is the Final Cylon? That is the question, eh? :) The easy answer is Starbuck what with her fresh-off-the-assembly-line ship and all, but remember D'anna aplogized to her vision of the final cylon, so maybe Gaius? -- she did torture him, after all.

I'm so excited for tomorrow night! :)

Atl plastic surgery said...

I think confidence about oneself and the body matters in every way.We have to know what we are and [probably have a figure if what we want to be and then start working on it.It has to work...why not?

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