Friday, April 11, 2008

shelves are for books... not for butts

i'm having one of those yucky days where i don't quite feel like my clothes are fitting. i've been uncomfortably tugging and pulling and trying to cover myself up all day. i was 45 min late to work because i couldn't find a suitable outfit combination that felt good (even my weekly pre-determined options weren't working for me).

i waffled unnecessarily and extraordinarily long about whether or not i should get up and go to subway. my stomach got the better of me and when i finally got to the parking lot, i pulled into a spot, got a little overwhelmed and PULLED OUT TO LEAVE, then pulled back in again... i was so consumed with this idea that i looked SO bad today, that i nearly talked myself out of going into subway for five minutes to get lunch. cuckoo! fortunately, a shinning moment of crystal clear sanity broke through the dense fog of my poor self esteem. confidence! exude confidence and that's all they'll see! besides, seriously? unless you've sprouted a third arm, you look FINE.

after i got back to the office and finished lunch, my neurosis got worse. only now all of my attention was focused on my butt. there is a full length mirror in the ladies room and everytime i went in there, my eyes immediately dropped to the silhouette of my derriere. i carry most of my weight in my ass and stomach and depending on the clothes i'm wearing, sometimes it looks like i have a pseudo shelf-butt. from a side angle, it looks like theres a little pooch that sticks out past the round fullness of my hip/lower back/butt. i cannot stop thinking about my shelf butt. about who's gonna notice my shelf butt. about how all the kids are going to make fun of me and play pranks like set a vase or a gramaphone on my shelf butt when i'm not looking! behold the mysteries of the human body! behold the shelf butt! AHHH!!!

you know that film that my guy did the soundtrack for? it was accepted as part of this local film festival. tonite we are attending a viewing. i'm freaking out, people! FREAKING OUT! what if my shelf butt destroys the place? what if it doesn't fit into the seat? what if someone at the reception mistakes my shelf butt for a side table and tries to place their drink on it?? what if it tries to TAKE OVER THE WORLD??

breathing... breathing... serenity now.

for all my hysterics, i actually feel a lot better having written down all of these feelings... like i just vented all the 'insane' out the cargo doors, leaving the calm to reclaim me. i won't have much time to get ready when i get home, but i've got a plan... just a quick change of blouses, a jacket and some accessories and i'm sure i'll walk out the door feeling 100% better than i do right now...


*ccc* said...

Oh, there are so many days I've felt the same. Days when you're just terrified for anyone to see you, convinced you look like death warmed over...been there and done that...

But great news on the soundtrack and the film! Hope you have a great time!

Ps--just discovered your blog and must say, I love it. I'm going to have to stop by more often! :)

Lasserday said...

What if I don't fit into the dentist chair??!?!?!?! :) sometimes it helps me to remember times when i was proven wrong. :) i hope you had a great time at the movie!

belly said...

hi ccc! welcome to the party... thanks for the kind words and thanks for stopping by.

my little lasserday lassie... what would i do without ye? hee hee... the dentist chair drama... i'd almost forgotten about that shiznitz. i was so freaked out about that and it turned out so well! the film festival was equally successful. we had a great time and i felt completely at ease after changing out of my work clothes. worries of walking around with an ass-tray were completely neutralized.

justoofat said...

My butt and your butt could duke it out for world supremacy like Godzilla vs. Mothra. Seriously, there are some days when I too am absolutely convinced that my butt is capable of destroying, not only my life, but civilization as we know it. That said, you're so wise to let your words here take the power out of all those negative thoughts. One thing I'm (slowly) discovering is that it takes more than counting calories to create a healthy life... it also takes the ability to see yourself clearly and to allow that clarity to deflate the negativity that can so often defeat us. It's heartening to see you winning just such a battle. (Besides, seriously... have you seen the people who work in subway??? You got nothing to worry about, love).


BikiniMe said...

belly, you know I love you, right? You totally brighten my life, and this entry made me break out laughing!

I'm so glad that the film festival was a success -- damn, your life is so glamorous to me!

Heather said...

I have had so many days like that where I hate how I look and I will spend the day twisting and moving my clothes around or feeling just uncomfortable in general. they pass though, and if you have some extra cash on hand, it always helps to go out and find something you do feel great in.

belly said...

jtf - amen, sister! forget battle of the bulge! it's battle of the butts!! hahaha... such a humorous visual:)

seriously - thank god for blogging! i felt a gagillion times better after releasing all that tension and low self esteem talk that was rattling around in my little ol' head all day.

bikinime - dude. i think i owe you an apology... um... have you ever had that experience where you meet someone and get to know them and after cultivating a nice relationship, you realize that you've been CALLING THEM THE WRONG NAME!? it just occurred to me that every time i refer to you, i call you 'bq'(for bikini quest) - and not bikinime!! is that something like calling an author by the name of their book instead of their name? (yo! crime and punishment! wanna go get a vodka and talk russian politik??) many, many apologies, dear friend... i'm a dunce:)

heather, you are a girl after my own heart. shopping is one of my most favorite pastimes (cash on hand or not:) - hey, a girl's gotta look fab regardless of her pant size, right?) btw, was on your blog the other day and LOVE the new photo you've posted. i see you are not only beautiful on the inside, but also on the outside!! looking good!

BikiniMe said...

belly, I did notice that you were calling me "bq", but I figured it was so much better than "bm", I decided to just go with it! haha!

manda31 said...

Oh I have a major shelf ass, I make fun of it all the time. Whats worse is when i was preggo I had a shelf stomach too. I make fun of my shelf ass all the time, but deep down, I hate it and Im embarrassed. Imagine serving ice cream to people where all they are looking at is your ass.

Its nice to have someone come out and talk about it, now I don't feel so alone.

Love your posts.

belly said...

manda31 - i like to think that the extra booty entitles me to extra sass:) so when my hands go to my hips, you know miss sassafrass is in town!!