i just found out that my guy and i are headed back to our home town at the end of april for a grand celebration. my guy has numerous tracks included his buddy's indie movie. when we went to the premier out here in l.a., we were overcome with excitement. we watched the final edit in a real movie theater with 250 of the producer's friends and colleagues. we delighted with recognition every time one of my guy's songs faded in. we squirmed with glee when we watched the credits roll and my guy's name scrolled across the big screen. it was a surreal experience. it was a wonderful event. i was so proud and honored to be sitting next to this creative genius who received verbal accolades from the producer in front of the 248 strangers in the theater with us. so after my guy told me the good news and we decided to go back home for the event, it started. this happens to me every.single.time i am confronted with an impending date of reuniting with old friends, going on a trip, any momentous occasion that will require me to be presentable. 'it' is the soundtrack from my youth, the voice that repeats over and over and over, the sickness that asks "how much weight can i lose before this event? if i starve and exercise every day could i lose 20 lbs in a week?" this tape used to drown out all rational thought - it was the soundtrack that beat with my pulse, that consumed my thoughts... this is the same voice that nearly caused me to miss the memorable experience of attending the premier of my guy's movie.
it was a wonderful woman, full of wisdom-by-the-hour, who helped me see how damaging and distorted this idea really was. the shrink is gone. the voice is back. granted, it's not as ridiculous and demanding as it once was. no, i am now able to understand just how fucked that way of thinking is. but the voice is back... only... different. as soon as i heard about a second movie screening in our home town, somewhere deep inside of me i sensed an old, familiar part press 'play'... this time, though, the voice is disguised as a seemingly rational thought:
"belly, you have two and a half months until the event. wouldn't it be wonderful to look great for it? two and a half months - if you really got with the program, you could lose at least 15 lbs in that time."
blech. when i logged my weight yesterday on the weight watchers site, i noticed that it has taken me two and a half months to lose 5.5 lbs. why do i think - wait - why would i want to sabotage myself by trying to adopt anything faster than my current pace? and FOR SOMEONE ELSE?? what about me? how did i happen to lose myself inside of a sentence??
what about me?
here i am. here i am reclaiming my new found relationship with my body. here i am denouncing the idea that i want to lose weight for anyone but myself. here i am picking myself back up off the chuckwagon from the past weekend, dusting off my knees and the cheez-it crumbs, and getting back on the path. here i am reminding myself that my body is sacred and beautiful exactly the way it is RIGHT NOW.
it's times like these, when i can hear the old, sick tapes playing, that i have to give pause to my life and reclaim it. i have to restate my purpose here. i need to remind myself that those old voices don't guide me. i will make peace with them. i forget to look for the beauty in these falling down places... for it is in these moments of weakness where my truth lies. it is in these moments of weakness that i am truly aware of my strength. i don't wallow in my broken places because i am strong enough to pull out. pull up. get back to center.
so here i am. here i am struggling to be tender with the old voices. struggling to let them know that it's ok now. i've got this one. i'll take it from here and i'm strong enough to do it. in the past two and a half months that i have been with weight watchers, i have been more successful in getting to know my body and adopting healthy habits for weight loss than ever before in my life. i like this pace i'm keeping. i like discovering my self. i am falling in love with my body.
in the coming months i will build success for myself through weekly goals. i will continue to post with regular frequency. i will be aware of my body and my food decisions. i will go back to my home town in a couple of months and i will revel in the celebration of my guy's creativity. i will cherish the time laughing and talking with friends and family. i will meet new people with open arms and a warm heart. and it won't matter a lick what i weigh.
5 comments:
"here i am struggling to be tender with the old voices. struggling to let them know that it's ok now. i've got this one. i'll take it from here and i'm strong enough to do it."
From this point of view, it's a little easier to see that the old voices are trying to protect you, are trying to help you, are trying to make you happy -- though their perception of what it takes to achieve that state of happy/protected/helped is completely skewed.
Your ability to recognize these voices and your courage in gently taking their power for your own (it's okay. I've got it -- but thanks anyway. I appreciate your offer to help but I'm going to take it from here.) is truly inspiring to me.
I love that you looked up your actual stats: 5.5 lbs lost in two months is the reality -- how beautiful is it that you used this information to gain a truer perspective on your inner dialogue? Again, I'm in awe. If I ever meet you in person, be prepared to be hero-worshipped! :)
great job! i'm impressed too! it is so easy to not even notice when the tape starts playing, let alone to question its logic. this reminds me of how i used to think i would lose weight and get to my dream weight and that would give me health and then i thought, no! if i get healthy then i will naturally get to my healthy weight. i think i never believed that switch, though. i thought, yeah yeah, it will work the other way, too. i think it is great that you are getting to know your body and focus on health. people say that so much but it really is all that matters. in ayurveda they say there is roopam which is outer beauty and then there is gunam which is inner beauty and health that shines through. there are more eloquent descriptions online of those but you probably get my drift. it sounds like you are shooting for gunam, the kind of health and beauty that is seated so deeply in your cells that you can't help but shine. i am glad you are not letting your tape trick you into selling out gunam for some kind of cheap replacement. :)
oh I have that voice too sometimes when I find out something I need to attend and I think, ok so how much weight can I lose? but I think that you are on the right track to beating this voice to the ground. its so much better that you will continue your healthy habits, than to set yourself up to lose weight for someone/thing else. the reality is, if you go in there loving yourself and feeling great, that is what people will notice, not some pounds lost.
Thank you for inspiring me. I think I need to "adopt" some of your goals. Thanks for being honest.
this was a really touching entry :)
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