sometimes i really wonder what my co-workers must think of me… i am one tragic catastrophe after another.around two-thirty today, i happened to look down at my shirt and noticed it was covered in crumbs. i was horrified to find… snacks…that i had unwittingly saved for later…in the folds of my cowl neck shirt. and by snacks i mean small to medium-largish crumbs of the wretched little kashi granola bar i had for breakfast. i’m not bothered so much by the fact that no one told me i had the bottom of a monkey cage stuck to my upper torso and neck. no, i’m bothered more by the fact that for the six hours or so that i walked around my place of business donning my crumb-y getup, i was basically reinforcing every negative image of fat people that exist… you know what i’m talking about – the stereotype of that dirty, stinky, fat office leper who plods around covered in food stains, crumbs stuck to their 2nd, 4th and 5th chin-necks, with a gait resembling that of jabba the hut (which is really less of a stride and more of an oooooozing along), leaving a trail of empty super size doritos bags and econo-sized twinky boxes in their wake. today, friends, that fat slob was me. as soon as i noticed those velcro crumbs clinging to my shirt, i brushed them away with the ferocity of a meth addict swiping at invisible bugs… "get 'em off! get em' OFF!!"
trying to regain composure, i was reminded of another moment, not so long ago, where i was once again left melting in the wake of humiliation, by yet a different stereotype: a snot-nose, scabby-kneed 11 year old boy. oddly, i found solace in the embarrassment of a few crumbs on my shirt (all day long) because that was nothing compared to what happened to me while i was temping…
i got a temp gig shortly after i moved to l.a. (and not long after i became completely demoralized by a fruitless three-month job search). my temp cubicle was strategically placed to accommodate the every whim of five or six office dwellers. my duty was primarily to answer the phone. it was not uncommon for me to bring a snacks and drinks to work because i was shackled to the phone for seven hours a day.
one day, i decided to sate my mid-morning hunger with a pear. it was a delicious pear, perfectly ripe and super juicy. while enjoying my snack, one of the office dwellers ambled by and stopped to exchange morning niceties. i noticed that this corporate slug kept diverting his eyes from mine, his glance darting about my face. was he looking at my cheek? my nose? why the hell did his gaze keep falling to the same two spots on my face? no sooner did he disappear into the dark recesses of his office than i whipped out a mirror to view my visage. what i saw caused me to drop the mirror in horror, grab the sides of my head and shriek bloody murder...on the inside...because i'm professional. instead, i frantically jabbed at my face with a kleenex, feeling the immediate burn of a deep, embarrassed blush begin to blossom on my cheeks and neck. i had not one, but two small booger-sized pear remnants sticking to my ruddy cheek and nose. holy mary mother of god. the pieces of pear looked EXACTLY like boogies. IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD TWO BOOGERS ON MY FACE!! boogers on peoples' faces… (i’m going to have to develop a steely constitution just to type out the next few sentences because nothing, and i do mean NOTHING, is more vile than a random boogie on someone’s face… even babies with the mass of yellowy goo smeared across their top lips is enough to send me into seizing fits of dry heaving.) it is just.so.gross. frankly, i'm not quite sure how i survived the day. i think i blacked out from the trauma of the incident because my recollection of the succeeding events of that day are hazy. needless to say that guy never really talked to me again... and frankly, i couldn't have blamed him. if the shoe had been on the other foot, i would have very likely cut the conversation short to go vomit in the privacy of my office. so gross.
6 comments:
Omg, that had me laughing hysterically (primarily because BOTH sound like things I would do).
I went into an office meeting recently after eating a snack of nuts at my desk. I had brown nut pieces ALL IN MY TEETH, but no one told me. Why didn't they tell me?? It's funny now, but I was so embarrassed. It's also kind-of funny that we even bother to get embarrassed about crumbs and such; it's not like other people don't eat. But the pear boogers take the cake.
OMG I was crying with laughter at this. Crumbs are definitely the lesser of the two evils on this one!
LMAO! face-boogies...oh god!! (*gasp for breath*)
I promise you, belly, I will always tell you when you've got face-boogies. And you must promise to always tell me. :) Pinky-swear! We've got each other's backs when it comes to preventing face-boogies embarrassment!
Seriously, I could have written this post! Like others have said, I am blushing for all of us -- knowing we've all been there. Crazy! I know one thing for sure, I'll definitely be checking my face for boogies the next I eat a pear! :)
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belly, thanks for the comment on my post, "phoenixified". I am blown away by your words -- because you amaze me. Your words and mother-confessions have helped me so much on my own path. I love reading your blog and stop here every day. :)
you are too funny! i had the crumb thing goin' on last week myself. it didn't seem funny to me until just now, reading your story. thanks for helping me laugh at myself by getting me to laugh at you. :) we must make sure not to take ourselves too seriously, huh? :) thanks again for the belly laugh and tears i had streaming down my red cheeks! ;)
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