...because after a FOUR pound weight gain this morning, i realize that somethin' ain't quite right here.seriously. what the hell? four pounds, really? four?? FOUR???!!
i know what the hell... it was eating half a tray of chicken wings and a downing a couple of beers at 11pm last night. i knew that kind of splurging at that hour of the night could only mean doom and gloom on the scale this morning, yet i did it anyway! the four pound gain was disturbing but not unexpected... what was unexpected was the horrible stomach ache i woke up with, the all day bloat factor, and my jeans fitting SUUUUPER tight when i got home. the backlash from such a gluttonous evening was unbelievable.
and yet, i'm actually pleased that i didn't freak out this morning, enacting some crazy godzilla scene where my scale gets shattered under a crushing deathblow-stomp and the peaceful morning is pierced with my shrieking roars.
disappointed? yes - absolutely. but freaky? no.
i have a sneaking suspicion that i know exactly what's going on here. for weeks i've been working on the internal piece of my weight loss journey. i've been mired in my own thoughts, coming to terms with what's going on in my head and in my heart. but when it comes to my body? that's an entirely different story... and therein lies the problem. it's high time i quit frakking around with the weight watcher's plan and start following it the way it's supposed to be followed. it's time for me to get serious about consistent exercise. it's time for my body and mind to work together for the greater good.
i have a plan for myself: i'm going to pick one goal i aim for per week, something i can do for myself every day for one whole week. if i can succeed (or even if i can't) i'll select a new goal for myself the following week and just keep building on my previous weeks' successes. i realize that i work well within the architecture of routine so i will build structure for myself, a sturdy foundation built on weekly accomplishments, a system in which i can thrive. i will be careful not to overwhelm myself with grandiose, complicated goals, too, because i don't want to sabotage my plan. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not good with change, so i'll take this slow - not as slow as i have been taking it, but slow enough to allow change into my life in a steady, accumulating way.
the goal for this week: get back to writing down EVERY SINGLE THING I EAT. and if i can stay within my daily points, that would be great, too... but for this week, the primary goal is going to be maintaining my food journal. by doing this, i envision myself planning meals again, grocery shopping for healthy choices in anticipation of being hungry during the day or at night, making time for exercise and making exercise a priority. if these things manifest as a result of me maintaining my food log, great! wonderful! but if not, that's ok, too.
i gotta admit, i'm scared. i'm scared of creating a plan because that means i am accountable to something. i'm scared i'll succumb to failure. but equally intimidating is the prospect of success...
so where does this kind of fear leave me? right where i am: nowhere. and this is not the right place for me. so i'm going to trust my mind to lead my body and my body to support my mind... strong heart. strong mind. strong body.
5 comments:
First off, I've read that part in the bible in which Eve supposedly tempts Adam with an apple, and I'm not buying it. It was *definitely* a chicken wing. Believe me, I've fallen headlong into that same trap before too. I think you're in good company. :)
But more importantly...
"i realize that i work well within the architecture of routine so i will build structure for myself, a sturdy foundation built on weekly accomplishments, a system in which i can thrive."
I can't tell you how wise I think this is. I have to admit, when I first thought about starting a blog I hesitated because, frankly, I thought it might be a bit self-indulgent. But this bit of your post perfectly captures the importance of this kind of self-reflection. Only by reflecting do we really learn the lessons about ourselves that life is capable of teaching us. And only through learning those lessons can we truly change.
Best of luck as you turn what you've learned into what I know will amount to a best practice for you. I look forward to reading about each week's goal.
Cheers!
j
Shattering a scale with godzilla roars is the best image ever.
And also, success scares me too. Like continuing to fail validates my whole life thus far and thinness now would be just a mockery. God, deep.
Sooo ... presumably you didn't really WANT half a tray of wings last night, because that's a lot of food. What did your body/mind/soul really want that you could have given it instead of feeding it? Asking myself that question each time I crave food in odd ways has been really key for me.
Im sorry that you had a gain! but at least you know why the scale is up and I think recommitting yourself to 1 goal a week is a great way to get yourself back on track. I have often found that starting small lasts a lot longer than just jumping in and being overwhelmed with a lot of changes.
I am sure your gain is temporary water and salt gain. you will have a great week next week and good luck focusing on your goal...writing everything down is so very beneficial to losing weight.
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