week 5 goal check in

week 5 goal: log 3 miles this past weekend. goal accomplished... and it felt really effing good! managed to get out for two 2 mile walks - one on saturday and one on sunday. the weather was fantastic and the pupperoni loved the walks. all of the recent outdoor activity is doing all of us good - my pooch is now down 6 pounds and back to a normal weight... now if only i can do that for myself:)

week 6 goal: log 4 miles

week 4 goal check in

week 1: record all food intake. result: not so good. at all.

week 2: stay withing point limit. result: i have no clue b/c my food log went out the window
week 3: make dentist appt and optometrist appt. result: optometrist not only booked, but the appt is behind me! woo hoo! dentist appt finally booked!!
week 4: research (and possibly commit to) half marathon. result: found a plan that would have me in half marathon shape in 17 weeks - that's WELL before the end of the year. woo hoooo!

week 5 goal: log 3 miles this coming weekend

i am totally off the bandwagon right now. i've fallen right smack dab into a thick, clingy puddle of i-just-don't-give-a-shit. i know it will pass. but for right now, i'm not going to deny it - there is a very big part of me that is just tired of all the stick-to-it-uveness. i'm feeling a little overwhelmed and put upon by myself!! i suspect that most of this defeatist attitude is due to a hellacious bout of the hormonal bitch slap... maybe one of my next goals can be to look into big game tranquilizers for myself... you know, just to get me through those particularly rough pre/post/menstrual days.:)

week 3 goal check in

week 1 goal: record all food intake. good all work week; not so great on the weekend.
week 2 goal: stay within daily points allotment. almost.
week 3 goal: make a dentist appt and an optometrist appt. no dentist appt. optometrist appt made.
1 pound lost.

seemed yo do really good at staying on track during the week, but this weekend kind of got derailed with non-stop plans that included a bunch of funloving out-of-town family.

week 4 goal: DENTIST APPT. and research a good half marathon to aim for by year end. eek! did i really just put that down as my goal?? if i was REALLY brave, i would just commit to the dang thing... maybe i'll save that for week 5.

week 2 goal check in

week 1 goal: document all food intake. goal met
week 2 goal: stay within weekly alloted points. goal almost met.

didn't quite meet my week 2 goal, but i did lose a pound and a half at my weigh in yesterday. i was really beating myself up, too - this past weekend i had the most god awfully good thick wedge fries and some of that disgusting bright orange melty yummy cheese. so good. but i felt so bad having them. this is one of those times where i'm grateful that i'm as large as i am because i get 31 glorious points a day on the weight watchers menu. i know, backwards thinking... but those fries were a little more than half of my daily allotment. so good though. it's amazing how riddled with guilt i felt in anticipation of the weigh-in and the goal check-in. the goal is to lose weight, right? so why the freaky freak-out? seems to me that it all just comes down to math. and yet i imbue that simple daily equation with enough emotional turmoil to make the freshman year at an all girls academy look sane. curiously enough i had quite a few triumphs this week - gutted the office/second bedroom and brought organization and cleanliness to an otherwise storage wasteland; logged more pedometer steps in one day than ever before; lost weight. yet all of these huge achievements seem to get swallowed by my own neurosis.

week 3 goal: make a dentist appointment and an eye doctor appointment

in addition to the week 3 goal, i'm going to try to focus on staying sane when curveballs come my way. i have to remind myself that this is a process. there are ups and downs. but the big picture has me moving forward, my weight trending down and my relationship with my body finding balance. i truly believe that regular blogging is key to helping me stay the course. i find that when i blog on a daily basis, i am more accountable to myself. i am more aware of my mind/body relationship. i am less likely to fall off the wagon into a box of big-cheez-its-because-it's-weigh-in-day-and-i-have-a-full-week-to-work-these-off-my-ass. i will quit beating myself up over the stupid shit, too. guilt DOES NOT BURN CALORIES. exercise does.

here's to another week of cumulative goal-building and getting back in the saddle. oh yeah, and to being nice to myself.

kickin' ass and taking inventory

great week. successful week. but before i get into the thick of it, a quick goal recap:

week 1 goal: document all of my food intake. goal met.

week 2 goal: stay within my weight watchers point range for the week

yikes! did i really just give myself that much hangin' rope for week 2's goal? i have to admit that as a weight watchers online subscriber for two and a half months, i have not had one week where i've come in under my weekly points. until now, i have lived in terror of this goal. mostly because a very large part of me isn't sure that i can do it, but there is also an equally fearful part that i will do it. for days i mulled over a good second week goal for myself - it has to be something tangible, within my grasp, but not too scary and hard that i'll land face first into a giant vat of chocolate chip cookie dough. staying within my point range seems like a natural progression from accurately journaling my food intake - but still, this idea strikes a really fearful chord in me.

in the past, i could sense the fear creeping in, gnawing at the periphery of my consciousness until i was so consumed with holding it at bay, whatever it really is, that i would lose control of my true voice... seemed like no one was running the show because my true self was lost in a cacophony of confusion and denial. i don't want to head in to my next goal with this much fearful chatter whispering in my ear.

"that's too hard. you'll never be able to stick with that plan."
"this plan doesn't afford you enough food or wine."
"you haven't managed this accomplishment in two and a half months, what makes you think you can do it now?"
"what if you get hungry? you can't tolerate hunger."

but my fear is sneaky - it's done a good job of creating chaos and confusion, all of which exists to mask a deeper knowing: i am not loveable and i don't deserve success.

every time i eat something that doesn't directly provide nourishment, every time i drink one more glass of wine, every time i decide to watch some stupid reality show in favor of going for a walk, every time i make a conscious decision to deny myself those things that are good for me, i prove that deep, pained part of myself right: i don't deserve success. i don't deserve a healthy body. i don't deserve to love myself.

recently, i've written a lot about accepting the small frustrations and discouragements of the day into my life. i've talked about making room for them, letting them have space, be heard. i've made room in my heart and acknowledged these daily worries and in doing so, i have given them the freedom to dissipate. "your job is done now, little worry, thanks for bringing it to my attention but i've got it covered - run along." this new revelation, though - this is a biggun'. and yet, as i write about this big, hairy, ugly underlying fear, i can feel it losing power, withdrawing, releasing it's grip on me. i am well enough to face it head on. i am strong enough to look it in the eyes and know it. if i can accept this part of me, this dark, painful part, then i can accept all of myself. i'm willing to do that. i want to be successful. i want to know the triumph that comes with hard work and dedication. if success feels anything at all like the relief and release that i'm tasting now in finding self acceptance, then i want more of it - a lot more of it!

slow and steady changes habits. i have to remember my intention for starting off with slow and easy goals: too much too soon is a known recipe for failure. but this new goal doesn't seem all that bad. when i stop and let the fear in, when i let it have a voice and acknowledge it, i realize that it is not the voice of my true self. the fearful voice is not the truest voice. it doesn't control me. i actually feel whole letting that fearful part up to the surface. i feel like i'm not denying, avoiding or ignoring me. i feel like i'm taking inventory of my inner workings and am getting to know exactly what's going on inside me. this is different. this feels like healing. this also feels a little like... success.

Mind, meet Body. Body, meet Mind.

...because after a FOUR pound weight gain this morning, i realize that somethin' ain't quite right here.

seriously. what the hell? four pounds, really? four?? FOUR???!!

i know what the hell... it was eating half a tray of chicken wings and a downing a couple of beers at 11pm last night. i knew that kind of splurging at that hour of the night could only mean doom and gloom on the scale this morning, yet i did it anyway! the four pound gain was disturbing but not unexpected... what was unexpected was the horrible stomach ache i woke up with, the all day bloat factor, and my jeans fitting SUUUUPER tight when i got home. the backlash from such a gluttonous evening was unbelievable.

and yet, i'm actually pleased that i didn't freak out this morning, enacting some crazy godzilla scene where my scale gets shattered under a crushing deathblow-stomp and the peaceful morning is pierced with my shrieking roars.

disappointed? yes - absolutely. but freaky? no.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i know exactly what's going on here. for weeks i've been working on the internal piece of my weight loss journey. i've been mired in my own thoughts, coming to terms with what's going on in my head and in my heart. but when it comes to my body? that's an entirely different story... and therein lies the problem. it's high time i quit frakking around with the weight watcher's plan and start following it the way it's supposed to be followed. it's time for me to get serious about consistent exercise. it's time for my body and mind to work together for the greater good.

i have a plan for myself: i'm going to pick one goal i aim for per week, something i can do for myself every day for one whole week. if i can succeed (or even if i can't) i'll select a new goal for myself the following week and just keep building on my previous weeks' successes. i realize that i work well within the architecture of routine so i will build structure for myself, a sturdy foundation built on weekly accomplishments, a system in which i can thrive. i will be careful not to overwhelm myself with grandiose, complicated goals, too, because i don't want to sabotage my plan. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not good with change, so i'll take this slow - not as slow as i have been taking it, but slow enough to allow change into my life in a steady, accumulating way.

the goal for this week: get back to writing down EVERY SINGLE THING I EAT. and if i can stay within my daily points, that would be great, too... but for this week, the primary goal is going to be maintaining my food journal. by doing this, i envision myself planning meals again, grocery shopping for healthy choices in anticipation of being hungry during the day or at night, making time for exercise and making exercise a priority. if these things manifest as a result of me maintaining my food log, great! wonderful! but if not, that's ok, too.

i gotta admit, i'm scared. i'm scared of creating a plan because that means i am accountable to something. i'm scared i'll succumb to failure. but equally intimidating is the prospect of success...

so where does this kind of fear leave me? right where i am: nowhere. and this is not the right place for me. so i'm going to trust my mind to lead my body and my body to support my mind... strong heart. strong mind. strong body.