Mind, meet Body. Body, meet Mind.

...because after a FOUR pound weight gain this morning, i realize that somethin' ain't quite right here.

seriously. what the hell? four pounds, really? four?? FOUR???!!

i know what the hell... it was eating half a tray of chicken wings and a downing a couple of beers at 11pm last night. i knew that kind of splurging at that hour of the night could only mean doom and gloom on the scale this morning, yet i did it anyway! the four pound gain was disturbing but not unexpected... what was unexpected was the horrible stomach ache i woke up with, the all day bloat factor, and my jeans fitting SUUUUPER tight when i got home. the backlash from such a gluttonous evening was unbelievable.

and yet, i'm actually pleased that i didn't freak out this morning, enacting some crazy godzilla scene where my scale gets shattered under a crushing deathblow-stomp and the peaceful morning is pierced with my shrieking roars.

disappointed? yes - absolutely. but freaky? no.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i know exactly what's going on here. for weeks i've been working on the internal piece of my weight loss journey. i've been mired in my own thoughts, coming to terms with what's going on in my head and in my heart. but when it comes to my body? that's an entirely different story... and therein lies the problem. it's high time i quit frakking around with the weight watcher's plan and start following it the way it's supposed to be followed. it's time for me to get serious about consistent exercise. it's time for my body and mind to work together for the greater good.

i have a plan for myself: i'm going to pick one goal i aim for per week, something i can do for myself every day for one whole week. if i can succeed (or even if i can't) i'll select a new goal for myself the following week and just keep building on my previous weeks' successes. i realize that i work well within the architecture of routine so i will build structure for myself, a sturdy foundation built on weekly accomplishments, a system in which i can thrive. i will be careful not to overwhelm myself with grandiose, complicated goals, too, because i don't want to sabotage my plan. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not good with change, so i'll take this slow - not as slow as i have been taking it, but slow enough to allow change into my life in a steady, accumulating way.

the goal for this week: get back to writing down EVERY SINGLE THING I EAT. and if i can stay within my daily points, that would be great, too... but for this week, the primary goal is going to be maintaining my food journal. by doing this, i envision myself planning meals again, grocery shopping for healthy choices in anticipation of being hungry during the day or at night, making time for exercise and making exercise a priority. if these things manifest as a result of me maintaining my food log, great! wonderful! but if not, that's ok, too.

i gotta admit, i'm scared. i'm scared of creating a plan because that means i am accountable to something. i'm scared i'll succumb to failure. but equally intimidating is the prospect of success...

so where does this kind of fear leave me? right where i am: nowhere. and this is not the right place for me. so i'm going to trust my mind to lead my body and my body to support my mind... strong heart. strong mind. strong body.

f.u., weight watchers

a few weeks ago i took the plunge for a second time - the plunge being that scary-ass dip into the pool of organized weight loss. having heard myriad recent success stories from girlfriends and my folks, i decided to sign up with weight watchers online. gag. i was totally riding the high from the contagious excitement of hearing stories of 13 lbs lost! 11 lbs lost! someone else with a resounding 30 lbs lost!! i want that for me! so, with great expectations and ample courage i signed up with ww.

now this is not the first time ww and i have crossed paths. the first time i decided to jump on the bandwagon, and off the chuckwagon, was a few years ago when the ww lady came a-callin' at my place of work. she brought with her a veritable eden of healthy lifestyle changes, promises of weight loss at my own pace, PERMANENT loss, and all the while eating real food. hell yeah. where do i sign? the charm and charisma of ww wore off in exactly 1 and 1/8 meetings. little did i know that i was to become completely demoralized and shamed beyond repair by the weigh in of the second meeting. as i see it, i was doomed from go for a few reasons: 1. the weekly meetings took place at the corporate offices where i worked. (what the HELL was i thinking??) 2. the program happened to coincide with some fairly intense therapy around emotional eating. (SERIOUSLY. what was i thinking?!) 3. i gained 2 freaking pounds in the first week, and to my horror, was called out by the very same ww woman who, just a week earlier, promised me eden.

"oh" she said when, having summoned more courage than i thought possible, i stepped onto the public-scale-of-shame in front of a long line of my co-workers.

"two pounds up?" queried the voice of damnation. i could feel my shame burning the skin right off my chest and face in the form of a deep blush. i felt exposed. desperate. i wanted her to stop talking. just shut up. just shut the hell up, lady!!

"well what's going on? are you following the program?" i think it was at this point that i started to stammer on about some pitiful excuse. i had already spent more time on the public-scale-of-shame than the other folks who weighed in before me. i felt like every moment longer i had to stand up there and explain why i gained two friggin' pounds was drawing more attention to myself, to my weight gain, to my failure. i felt raw and vulnerable and it did.not.feel.safe...

finally free of the weigh-in humiliation, i dutifully folded in with the rest of the group who were now happily chirping amongst themselves about their successes over the week. one of the ladies-from-accounting (one who was always particularly nasty to me) plopped down next to me and challenged me, "so how much weight did YOU lose this week?" i told her i'd rather not talk about it. she stared a moment longer at me and harumphed around in her seat to chat up someone else. i sat for a few moments longer with the group, while hot, embarrassed tears struggled to spill over - my best intentions not to cry trying to hold them back. i think i stayed for a few moments longer before i quietly got up and went to the bathroom. where i proceeded to silently sob. weep. it was horrifying. here i was at my place of business and i was just branded with a scarlet "2" in front of co-workers on the public-scale-of-shame and now i was crying in the last stall in the ladies restroom.

needless to say i did not return to the meeting... i didn't return to any of the meetings even though i had paid in full for a few months. so you can understand that it was a particularly big decision on my behalf to sign up once more with good ole ww. this time, however, it felt quite a bit different. i signed up online so i wouldn't have to face the public-scale-of-shame... even if it was in front of supportive strangers.

imagine my horror resurfacing in completely new ways this time. my first week was more of a test run - an eye-opener, if you will. i was made acutely aware of just how much i was eating in a single day... just how much BEYOND what i was supposed to be eating to start losing at a slow, steady pace. resisting the urge to just not record a point or two, i decided that i would take the challenge and write down every last point of every last bite i took. i felt ready. this felt different from before. even though it was scary, it still felt safe to take this challenge.

after being on ww for one week, and facing down my first weekly weigh-in, this is what i have to say about the whole experience:

dear ww,
F.U.
how dare you make me write out every single god-forsaken thing i put into my mouth.
how dare you give me 31 measly points to eat a day - points that taunt my every meal and snack and glass of wine and glass of wine and glass of wine.
how dare you.
the past four days have been eye-opening, indeed, you scoundrel...
i am now wholly aware of just how many resplendent calories i consume on a daily basis - how could i not be, when, at the end of day one, i had exceeded my 31 points by an additional 20 points...
at the end of day two i drunkenly type in the last of my caloric intake, and you mockingly return a daily tally of 45 points!
this after i starved myself all day for you...
today you greeted me with an excited declaration, a declaration full of hope and of good-things-to-come: Today is your weight tracking day! and as giddy as a newly initiated sorority girl, i gleefully respond to your excitement by hauling out the dirty old scale, the harbinger of doom, for you. with joy in my heart and a lightness in my step, i get on, anxiously awaiting the result, as you promised, to shed 1 pound, or, if lucky, 2 glorious pounds.
imagine my horror to see the digital readout floundering 1 or 2 pounds HIGHER than my start weight.
your only acknowledgment comes in the form of a silent, mocking small orange incline on the weight tracker chart.
F.U. ww.
i dream of going home after work today and sulking into a pint of haagen daas.
yet you deal the final, cruel blow, demanding that i get out and move my ass if i want that damn ice cream, and even then, you only allow me 1/2 cup.

damn! this is exactly the demoralizing turn of events that happened to me the last time i tried ww. i totally started panicking, ate everything in sight and GAINED weight. but this time will be different. this time i'm not responsible to some lame ww nazi who will publicly chastise me in front of the rest of my co-workers who are waiting to get weighed. this time i am responsible to myself.

i am bound and determined to ride this out. i'm going to give myself the space to get over the initial freak out and let it be ok if i gain weight at the start of this. i will stick with it. i will succeed. i will be kind to my body. it will be hard and i will stumble. but i will stick with it...

and i have stuck with it... for five weeks now. and i have actually lost 7 lbs. and that feels really f'ing good.