Mind, meet Body. Body, meet Mind.

...because after a FOUR pound weight gain this morning, i realize that somethin' ain't quite right here.

seriously. what the hell? four pounds, really? four?? FOUR???!!

i know what the hell... it was eating half a tray of chicken wings and a downing a couple of beers at 11pm last night. i knew that kind of splurging at that hour of the night could only mean doom and gloom on the scale this morning, yet i did it anyway! the four pound gain was disturbing but not unexpected... what was unexpected was the horrible stomach ache i woke up with, the all day bloat factor, and my jeans fitting SUUUUPER tight when i got home. the backlash from such a gluttonous evening was unbelievable.

and yet, i'm actually pleased that i didn't freak out this morning, enacting some crazy godzilla scene where my scale gets shattered under a crushing deathblow-stomp and the peaceful morning is pierced with my shrieking roars.

disappointed? yes - absolutely. but freaky? no.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i know exactly what's going on here. for weeks i've been working on the internal piece of my weight loss journey. i've been mired in my own thoughts, coming to terms with what's going on in my head and in my heart. but when it comes to my body? that's an entirely different story... and therein lies the problem. it's high time i quit frakking around with the weight watcher's plan and start following it the way it's supposed to be followed. it's time for me to get serious about consistent exercise. it's time for my body and mind to work together for the greater good.

i have a plan for myself: i'm going to pick one goal i aim for per week, something i can do for myself every day for one whole week. if i can succeed (or even if i can't) i'll select a new goal for myself the following week and just keep building on my previous weeks' successes. i realize that i work well within the architecture of routine so i will build structure for myself, a sturdy foundation built on weekly accomplishments, a system in which i can thrive. i will be careful not to overwhelm myself with grandiose, complicated goals, too, because i don't want to sabotage my plan. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not good with change, so i'll take this slow - not as slow as i have been taking it, but slow enough to allow change into my life in a steady, accumulating way.

the goal for this week: get back to writing down EVERY SINGLE THING I EAT. and if i can stay within my daily points, that would be great, too... but for this week, the primary goal is going to be maintaining my food journal. by doing this, i envision myself planning meals again, grocery shopping for healthy choices in anticipation of being hungry during the day or at night, making time for exercise and making exercise a priority. if these things manifest as a result of me maintaining my food log, great! wonderful! but if not, that's ok, too.

i gotta admit, i'm scared. i'm scared of creating a plan because that means i am accountable to something. i'm scared i'll succumb to failure. but equally intimidating is the prospect of success...

so where does this kind of fear leave me? right where i am: nowhere. and this is not the right place for me. so i'm going to trust my mind to lead my body and my body to support my mind... strong heart. strong mind. strong body.

crap. only three more days til d-day?!

that delicious d-day is, of course, the weigh-in day... and i am sweatin' the load like crazy... why? because i'm starting to fall off the bandwagon and back on to the chuckwagon... my weigh-in last week was another nail-biter. i had talked myself into delaying the weigh-in by just one more day so i could get a really good day of eating healthy and exercise in, hoping that that one day would make up for a week's worth of half-assed healthy eating. much to my surprise, i overcame my fear of the scale and was delighted to find that 1. i had the courage to go through with the regularly scheduled weigh-in and 2. i was only up by half a pound.

there are a couple of things wrong here:
1. happy about being up by any amount is sick sick sick. seriously? the crazy shit i can talk myself into sometimes...
2. i have been playing fast and loose with the plan and have denied the inevitable repercussions of neglecting said plan.
3. trying to talk myself into delaying the weigh-in is the same kind of dangerous thought that will lead me down the road to perdition... i've spent years talking myself out of control with food and into denial about my true pant size.
4. the lion's share of two bottles of wine on a 'school' night is surely NOT part of the plan no matter how i try to fudge the ww points math. holy hell. what's happening to me??
5. i fear the scale, yet i am obsessed with the scale.

so here's how i'm going to right the wrongs:
1. be mindful of the goal at all times. what's the goal? LOSE weight... no more delusions of happiness because i narrowly escaped a huge increase by sustaining a small increase.
2. weigh-in day is hard and fast.
3. be mindful of the unhelpful talk that goes on in my head. eating healthy, exercise, being accountable, being AWARE - these are all qualities that will help me with the goal. when i catch myself trying to talk myself into one more glass of wine or food that i know ain't ww worthy, i will remember the goal. i will allow the negative thoughts in and let them exist, but i will not let them control my actions. (this one is going to be the hardest part, but i know i can do this.)
4. chill out with the cocktails. this one is also going to be difficult because i love me some wine. i love my down time, snuggling with my guy and/or the pets, and a nice glass of white in beautiful stemware. it feels decadent, luxurious - and i feel like i deserve the finer things. well, i also deserve to be healthy and to move with the grace and ease of a body unencumbered by XXL pounds.
5. the scale will not rule my life. i will stick to weighing in once a week on my designated day and not 15 times every day.

and above all, i will be gentle with myself as i move forward in this process. i am changing my lifestyle slowly, but surely. i have stuck with this plan for 8 weeks and have sustained a net loss of 5 pounds. these are huge accomplishments.