is it just me or is this one of those questions that sends shockwaves of fear through others, as well?
one of my coworkers approached me recently and said, "are you losing weight?" the rational part of my mind knows that her tone was innocent enough, that she was likely proffering a compliment, but here's what the irrational, and in-control part of me (at the time) saw and heard:
i was minding my own business, happily humming a peppy little tune, waiting for the copier to churn out all 5 trillion color copies of my latest project, when one of my coworkers approached, stopped mid-stride, turned to me. she scanned me up and down like a cylon assessing whether to blast my human ass away or identify me as similar to her: a non-threatening run of the mill cog. noting her pause in my peripheral vision and sensing possible danger, i abruptly stopped humming and slowly reached for my trusty side arm, a terrifyingly swift stapler.
suddenly the skies darkened, the roof violently flew off the fourth floor of the office building. thick red clouds started churning overhead. i looked over at my coworker who was morphing into a fearsomely, huge demon with an evil, knowing smile slowly spreading over menacing, yellowed teeth.
she pointed a long, gnarled, accusatory talon at me. "ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?" she boomed. i could feel myself shrinking, wilting in the face of this horrifying accusation. i could do nothing but tremble before the creature, mouth agape in sheer horror.
"ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?!" the beast screeched again, louder than the din of the surrounding hellfire.
"i... i... i... "i quietly stuttered.
the loathsome beast just glared down at me with piercing, red eyes.
"well i guess i've lost a little weight... ab-b-b-bout eight pounds or so..." no response. i was snared in her all consuming judgment-filled gaze. "i've b-b-b-been doing weight watchers for a few months," i stammered on, trying to fill the silent void. "i mean i know it's been a few months, and if i were really following the program the right way, i would probably be down a little more... but it's been good so far... i mean i have so much more to go... but you know, it works for a lazy-ass like me..."
my self deprecating spiral was suddenly halted by Joe Poke, another coworker. instantly the roof returned to the building and my coworker magically resumed her original shape.
"um, excuse me - are you almost done with the copy machine?" Pokey, Office Shlub interrupted.
"uh... yeah - almost done here." i said, still reeling from the terrifying exchange moments ago.
Pokey wandered off, leaving me with my shape-shifting coworker. without skipping a beat, she said, "well, whatever you're doing, you look good. i can totally see it in your face." then she walked away.
what the hay? what was that? was i just complimented or slighted? and by who? did i just totally insult myself for like five minutes??
i'm pretty sure (rational me here) that my coworker was only passing on a nice compliment. i don't think that she was saying wow. your face used to be so fat before that we had an office pool going as to whether you were smuggling puppies or lawn furniture in your neck folds... btw, deck chairs won.
i realize that i also need to subscribe to the less is more camp... not only with portion control, but with diarrhea of the mouth. a simple "i have" would have been a perfectly acceptable response to 'are you losing weight.' i need to remember that i don't have to defend myself for my diet. i don't have to disparage my successes or my body. nor do i have to go into extended detail about how i got a few pounds down. (besides, who really wants to hear that tedious crap, anyway?) finally, i need not forget about my trusty stapler, which, in a pinch could really help me 'zip it'... or, er... staple it?? (the mouth... not the stomach... you know, just to be clear.)
to express her gratitude for helping her out while her car was recently in the shop, one of my co-workers (co-worker 1) invited me and my guy over for some wine and company. another co-worker (co-worker 2) who also played good samaritan would be joining usin the festivities, too. being the ever dutiful guy that he is, my guy reluctantly agreed to go and keep a good game face despite the fact that he feared we would be spending the evening mired in work talk. i've been at my current job for less than 4 months. new city. new job. no girlfriends. so it seemed like a fun thing to do to meet some gals from work for a few glasses of wine and some harmless office chatter. boy, was i wrong. upon our arrival, co-worker 1 greeted us innocently enough, poured us a glass of vino, and sat us down at a table full of hor d'oeuvres... then began talking... for 45 min straight... about her world. and this was just the beginning....
...over the course of the evening, co-worker 1 got drunk, and the drunker she got, the more hostile she got... especially towards me and my guy. it became increasingly clear that this gal's competitive nature runs deep and in a very dark, very sick way. my guy and i were basically fielding an attack of insults the entire time we were her 'guests'. let's see if i can tally up the body count: - endured about 30 min (no joke) of one question: "how much do you make." (30 min because i refused to answer and she refused to quit asking)
- was called some variation of fat TO MY FACE one confirmed time and very possibly a second time
- was ridiculed for living in one of the premier areas of town
- was ridiculed for driving the car i drive
- was told that the only reason i have my job is because she didn't want it
- more times than i can count my guy was referred to as a douchebag because of the prestigious field of work he's in
SERIOUSLY?? next time, honey, a simple thank-you will do.
and where was everyone else during this barrage of barbs? right there, witnessing the verbal attack, DOING NOTHING. co-worker 2 sat around, meekly smiling, not offering much. co-worker 1's new roommate was equally as horrified, but glad to not be the victim of her attention for once. the best part, though, of this whole CRAZY evening, is that this gal, co-worker 1, was SO over the top with her venomous reception of us that we couldn't help but find humor in the whole debacle:
"stop being a liar, belly. how mush do you make?"
i haven't lied about anything and i'm not going to tell you. AND this question is entirely inappropriate.
"look, i don't really care. good. i'm glad for you. i'm happy you are doing well."
great. thanks.
"just tell me how mush you make."
nope.
"JUS' TELL ME HOW MUSH YOU MAKE!"
no.
"fine. then i'll [hiccup] stop helping you at work" (co-worker 1 is a glorified admin. i have an office. i rely on her to take care of glorified admin tasks to get my job done.)
aw, come on. i need you. you can't stop helping me.
"then tell me how mush you make."
nope.
"fine. i hate you. i'm quitting shoon, anyway."
really? you can't. what are we going to do without you?
"how mush do you make."
[silence]
"come on. don't be a liar. just tell me how mush you make."
relieved to finally be free from her negativity and darkness, at the end of the night my guy and i fell into our car and laughed the entire way home. "what the HELL was THAT??!" we giggled. the drive home was filled with chuckles and tittering at recounting just how utterly insane the whole ordeal was.
today, i found myself mulling over numerous flashbacks from last evening. i was a little unsettled at the fact that my day was consumed with recollection of yesterday evening's events. i finally realized that i should be grateful to co-worker 1. in a strange way, she solidified for me just how confident, strong and successful i am. among other insults, i stared down taunts of being called fat to my face (horror of horrors!!) with the grace and dignity of a wizened mother patiently batting away the irrational tantrum of a five-year-old. i have a very nice life. i have a great guy. i have a good job. and, most surprising to myself, i do not crumble under the weight of being called "big" in front of a room of people.
here's to finding peace. peace within ourselves, within our lives, in our relationships, with our jobs, with our bodies. peace be with you, co-worker 1.
is it just me or is this one of those questions that sends shockwaves of fear through others, as well? 
